August 22, 2004

• UN-PADDED ROOM

   

   

  OFFICE OF THE CHAIR

  UN COMMISSION ON GLOBAL VIOLENCE

   

  
  

   

  “Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt”

   

   

   

   

   

   

  Dear Dr. Cozzy Mbari:

   

  I
  thought you would like to have a look at what our committee is now
  setting forth to do to prevent future horrors as the one in this recent
  headline: Police fear serial hammer killer stalks London. As
  a good friend, you more than anyone understand the true desire that
  drives me onward in my lifelong cause. Truly, as long as the ordinary
  individual has access to high-power, multi-use products, the same will
  be misused to commit murder, non-adherence to laws and worse.

   

  England
  is a good case-in-point since it has already banned firearms outright.
  Even through the criminal did not have access to a gun, he still
  managed to find an adequate instrument available at the ready, offering
  itself for his misdeed. Does that mean then that the cause of the
  killing was the evil, murderous intent of the killer? Of course not! It
  must be clear to both of us, if not the entire world, that the crime
  occurred because the hammer was available and therefore in a sense,
  made him do it. While re-education is a noble endeavor, it can only
  compliment a truly proactive strategy. Had we taken the moral high
  ground and rid our global society of hammers years ago, horrible things
  like this would not still be happening.

   

  At
  least they seem to be getting this in Australia- they have already
  outlawed swords with strict enforcement and plan soon to outlaw butter
  knives, nine-inch nails (no, not the musical group- that would restrict
  someone’s rights), baseball bats and pillows (to prevent smothering).

   

  Clearly
  what the world needs now is a complete top-down re-evaluation of
  everyday items that can be used as weapons. Once we have isolated these
  items, we must have a global treaty banning them completely so that
  violent crime will at last become impossible.

   

  We
  have already developed a short list of policies we would like to see
  implemented. These of course are by no means complete, as these will be
  discussed in greater detail, along with many others, in the forthcoming
  months. Our goal is simple: to remove every hazard, every item which
  readily presents itself as an implement of destruction. This will not
  only protect the civilian population, but also local officials as they
  seek to enforce their laws.

   

  I
  have attached a few of our top suggestions thus far (some as you know,
  we have already begun). Perhaps when you find time, you might tell me
  what you think of the proposals. We will be meeting formally on the
  matter in the near future and I, as it has always been the case, deeply
  value your input. I will also happily contact you as soon as a date for
  the committee’s meeting is decided upon- you know how committees like
  to drag their feet, my friend, it has already taken us decades just to
  reach this point in our universal progress for humanity.

   

   

   

  UN Violence Initiative

   

  Finalize the global ban on firearms.

  This measure has already been discussed both among UN members as well as within the respective states of many.

   

  Initiate a global ban on swords and long knives

  The
  goal behind this is to begin spreading awareness that guns in fact are
  not the only weapon to which we must give serious attention. Every year
  thousands are murdered or maimed by swords, spears, knives, machetes
  and scimitars. This will also include glass or shardable material of
  any kind. We must do our best to hide these from the criminal. – And
  since every common person is a criminal, we must ban them from everyone
  except those licensed and authorized to carry such implements in an
  official capacity. (I think banning the scimitars will be the most
  difficult part of this in the popular political climate, so we will
  need to take this in the utmost gracious stride as we seek the
  cooperation of leaders from islamic nations. We cannot afford to be
  accused of what has been dubbed in the popular vernacular as
  "profiling", so we must be ready to fully explain the need for the
  elimination of all such weapons.)

   

  Initiate a global ban on crow bars, lead pipes and baseball bats

  The
  same goal here applies as the one behind outlawing firearms or sharp
  instruments. Blunt force trauma is one of the leading causes of death
  by murder. An example in recent memory is the hammer used to murder
  several women in the UK.

   

  Initiate a global ban on rope, string, wire, bed sheets and clothing

  The
  same goal again here which applied to the other weapons being outlawed.
  Strangulation is one of the leading and most brutal forms of murder.

   

  Initiate a global ban on soft air-tight plastics

  Suffocation
  is a most unpleasent way to give up the ghost, when it is initiated by
  the criminal. We must do everything within our power to remove from the
  criminal the implements of such cruel and inhumane misdeeds.

   

  Initiate a global ban on pools of water, access to large bodies of water including bathtubs or 3-liter cups

  Death by drowning, as we saw in the Laci Peterson case in the United States
  recently, can be undertaken with a minimum of technology. Therefore, we
  must arrange strict laws in such a way as to prevent the opportunity
  for this crime. This will also insure adequate clean drinking water in
  more arid regions.

   

  Initiate a global ban on fireworks

  Only
  this way will we make sure terrorists will not attempt to use their
  reconstituted parts for the creation of high-explosives. Generally this
  will also include anything which creates an open flame or is flammable,
  including candles, matches, wood, clothing (also prohibited in the
  global ban on string, rope, wire, bed sheets and clothing).
  Furthermore, this ban should also include other materials considered
  flammable or explosive under the right conditions, including cleaners,
  solvents, fertilizer and excrement. Since it is presently
  technologically impossible to ban the latter, the treaty will require
  that each home be outfitted with a special receptacle, which captures
  without the use of much water (as per the ban on pools of water),
  weighs and records daily quantities. These special containers will then
  be inspected by a licensed public inspector weekly and the contents
  will be taken under guard to a secure location where they will be
  detonated. Because of some of the inherent difficulties, all pets and
  private, unlicensed farm animals will be forbidden.

   

  Initiate a global ban on motor vehicles, bicycles and all other non-public non-biped transportation

  This
  ban would include boating, but this is already achieved in our global
  ban on pools of water. Every year, scores of thousands are
  accidentally killed and murdered as a result of a collision with, or
  being cast away at high speeds from, a motor vehicle. Statistics
  prove that such power in the hands of the average citizen transforms
  him even without his knowing it. This has proven to be an incident of
  the most tragic and horrific proportions waiting to happen. 

   

  Initiate a global ban on electricity

  As
  we have learned from the testimony of American presidential candidate
  and good friend, John Kerry from his days in Viet-nam, unlicensed death
  and torture by electrocution is an especially troubling one.

   

  Initiate a global ban on dwellings taller than 6 feet (2 meters) in height

  Often
  one of the most cruel of murder weapons is the simple push to the back
  of the unsuspecting victim. That is why a ban on any building, bridge
  or embankment taller than what is above-stated is both necessary and
  vitally important in its quick implementation.

   

  Adopt stricter rules for the use of safety helmets

  In
  order to prevent murder caused by falls from shorter distances or by
  the victim being attacked by the assailants use of an unlicensed rock,
  all civilians must at all times wear an implement for head-protection,
  which has been tested and authorized for use by government officials.
  The head protection will also bear information identifying its owner
  and may also contain a camara at the request of local government.

   

  Other considerations

  Since
  most violent crime in civilized countries is committed, as we know, in
  the domestic setting we will also consider banning all marriage and
  domestic partnerships. Procreation will only be done through artificial
  insemination. Since all children will be raised under the careful
  licensed eye of trained childcare workers and educators, where they
  will also learn how to peacefully co-exist safely out of the reach of
  the poison of untrained and often bigoted family members, there will be
  no need for parents.

   

   

  We
  think these, along with many of our other beginning proposals outlined
  here and the several others which we will also soon recommend
  will finally help to end civilian violence, belligerence and
  resistance to our goal of a brighter, safer tomorrow.

   

   

  Your good friend,

  Jorges X. Orwelionus

   

  Chair,

  UN Commission on Global Violence

   

   

   

   

   

   

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