January 7, 2005


  • ELECTION UPDATE (HUMOR)


     


    Congressional Democrats and Ukrainian Former Prime Minister to Form New Country


     


     


     


    Reports have been coming in today that say after today’s resounding defeat in Kiev of the Pro-Russian former government head Yonukovytch, whose court challenge to the election that was lost to the Viktor (Yuschenko, that is) last week, and the U.S. Congress’ certification of the election of President W., the ousted and disconcerted of both countries plan to find buy acquire land to start a new country.


     


    Their options however are anything but bountiful. California Senator Barbara Boxer is quoted as saying that, ”if it weren’t for Reagan’s dismantling of the Berlin Wall and the glorious Bureaucrats’ Workers’  State of the Soviet Union we might have some place to go without having to seem conservative by emulating the hard work of nation-building. We looked at China but no one can understand their languages which change from one province to the next, even though Michael Jackson (who is one of our long-time supporters) and a few of the older congressmen were all very positive about the potential of that region.”


     


    Boxer and 31 Congressmen along with assorted Hollywood celebrities, university professors and members of the college-aged Kids for Kommunism and the Public Edukation Reform Committee feel they cannot ever achieve a utopia as long as they are in a place in which constant opposition to their views not only exists and is expressed publicly, but is actually even popular.


     


    “A country cannot be governed like the Special Olympics”, former PBS Commentator Bill Moyer told the Associated Press today, “America is governed by the ignorant as it has been for the past 200 years and nothing will ever change that. Especially not as long as there is a Fox News.”


     


    There is no word yet whether the deal will include keeping Fox News out of their new country. Fox News even recently began airing in Canada in spite of the collective groan of the left-wing government-media establishment there.


     


     


     


    A “Tentative Deal” for Exodus Struck


    In a statement released later today Barbara Boxer admitted things were seeming bleak until today but stated that a solution was at hand:


     


    “Nevertheless, because Canada’s prime minister Paul Martin has expressed interest in our plight we believe a deal can be reached with their government for a homeland. We have talked with them about their concerns about mass illegal immigration migrant politicians especially in predominately French-speaking parts, but I believe we have struck a tentative deal with Québec Ottawa that will cede to us a generous portion of the Northwest Territories for us to live in where nobody from Texas will bother us, on the condition we grant the Communist Chinese army access to oil there. But this too will be good since I believe it will give us a place where we can finally have that historically inevitable government we were promised in the late 19th century and our first trading partner. Canada has offered us a generous opportunity to finally show the world how socialism was really, really, really meant to be. Also in the agreement we will help the Chinese, as I have mentioned, with obtaining oil from the region. This will be a great opportunity for us to experience the expansive outdoors of the great northwest while enjoying Gaia, our mother-earth goddess and the true satisfaction which only comes through working with your hands. Some people say it will be harmful to the environment to have unregulated oil drilling there. But clearly, I think we all agree there are times where the pressing needs of the State must temporarily supersede the needs of nature. But we will be making regular burnt offerings at our Gaia altar just in case. Others say the weather there isn’t so good with the winter snow and biblical floods from summer rains but I think it provides just the air that helped create the great Nordic countries of Europe. This will be a workers’ paradise with free healthcare flown in from Canadian doctors every Saturday. Truly, every boat will be counted.”


     


    In a similar statement Yunokovitch repeated the California Senator’s outlook for his new digs, unfortunately this blog lacks Cyrillic font support.


     


    No word yet from the White House on about the exodus but Republican Senate Majority Leader Tom DeLay was quoted by one source as saying, “there are plenty of mental hospitals right here, why do they need to move away?”


     


    One of the 31 congressmen was quoted as he left the Capitol for the day, “Once we find our marbles, we plan to take all of them and go home.”


     


    Word has not arrived yet as to who exactly will be in charge or when their first elections are scheduled – or even for that matter if local Eskimos against the elections could succeed in preventing them – but this new coalition remains optimistic about their future successes. “The Berlin Wall was an experiment that succeeded but was not allowed to survive long enough to come to its fruition. If we can keep out the influences of those red and orange places long enough, then our people will remain pure and able to come to the right and correct decisions concerning the policies which will affect their future. The public will be more thoughtful so we will have no difficulty with having free and regular elections,” said Democrat Ohio Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones who was at the helm as her fellow representatives protested the Bush certification. “I think we have a golden chance here to create the environment that will allow for proper decisions to be made in government for the greater good of all - we can now work collectively for this,” Jones said.


     


     



     


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