April 22, 2004

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     Notes From the

  
  

  Garden Journal

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  Death to Accordions (well most of them)

  
  

   

  
  

  This evening I want to talk about an experience I had recently. Not too long ago a friend and I were walking out of a restaurant after some fine roadkill. Okay, it wasn’t roadkill. As we were walking to our cars there suddenly began this strange, hauntingly hokey noise coming from somewhere— and everywhere. Beginning faintly, this noise began to grow louder and clearer, seemingly omnipresent in its hellish echo as it gaily bounced off of buildings with vocals that carried like the faint death-rattle yodels of an old country singer or perhaps even the Ricola man. Eventually the source of the sound reminiscent of the film Mars Attacks emerged into view with the punctuation of an ambulance,  the sounds finally coming together somewhat intelligibly enough for us to realize the altogether sad, sad truth; it was another case of a helpless soul going by on the street playing obnoxiously loud accordion music. Someone…who needed help (“I see accordion music people…they’re everywhere…they don’t even know that they’re killing us with laughter”). Let’s be honest, this music is gay, okay folks. I’m usually not so direct, but I think the public sanity is at stake here. But I’ll explain why I think this and who the guilty parties are.

  
  

   

  
  

  So you’re driving along and come to a stop light. Someone pulls up next to you. It is a sleak, fast new sports car, in which the driver is wearing a designer Italian shirt and dark shades. The essence of coolness… until you start hearing a noise… this sound coming around you…where is it coming from? You suddenly have flashbacks of the Fajitas you had for lunch and begin to wonder if maybe they were tainted until you realize that sound… is a style of music called Tejano or Latino (a traditional style of Mexican music with b-movie pop music undertones and a Country & Western beat), and it’s emanating awkwardly like an albatross from the stylish sports car next to you. So, I know what you guys are thinking- and it’s sad we can’t even be music critics anymore without offending the culture-fascists. So before some of you get your feathers ruffled, you ought to frankly know these sentiments also apply to that excruciatingly cheesy Italian and Greek “wedding music,” as well as the Yugoslav and German “beer-polka” music “styles” out there. We uhm…just don’t run into quite as many Yugoslavs in Texas for some reason (nevermind they aren’t even called that anymore)…maybe we should get a federal grant and look into why that is and try to change it for the sake of fairness… 

  
  

   

  
  

  Now it should be noted that the accordion is the fault of the Germans. Invented in Berlin and later refined in Vienna as we now know it (and have come to love it) by a fellow by the name of Cyril Demian, who was the first to patent it back in 1829 (one hundred years before the American stock market crash -coincidence?). It was further refined later and in 1850 the piano accordion came into existence, much to the chagrin of serious music aficionados everywhere. Blogbat is 1/2 German, so I think I’m being fair here. The apparent dirty little secret out there is that really the only style of music ever to reasonably make good use of the accordion since the creation of the instrument is the French. Well okay, so the Cajuns did something fun with it too, but there again you have the French behind the whole affair. And you know I haven’t had too many good things to say about the French of late, so again you can see I’m pretty fair. The French do do two things fairly well in addition to certain beverages and cheeses: they mastered the accordion (now that’s a goal) and they can get away with actually expecting people in their country to speak the language, something we for some reason are no longer afforded here. (My grandparents learned it- I even hear folks speak English in Katmandu Nepal, so what’s the problem?).

  
  

   

  
  

  Here’s my final word on this (it’s really a plea from all that is sane in the world): if any of you Tejano and Beer-Barrel Polka fans (you know who you are, ja!) happen to be reading this, please do one thing for the Blogbat (you know, because you luv him n stuff): don’t rush out and buy a 1500$US stereo system for your car and blast your music in public. 1. The girls aren’t impressed. Any attention you get from them is purely out of sympathy. 2. You just look to everybody like a complete idiot. In fact, it really reminds us of something akin to Peewee Herman in a sports car. I am telling you this because Blogbat cares: you are only two steps away from coke bottle glasses, dark socks and plaid shorts my friend! Now granted, I’m sure a few of you just dig the accordion and that’s okay- some people actually go to Weird Al concerts, too. But if you must Accordion, all I ask is that you accordion responsibly. Put on some romantic French dinner music or… try some wild Cajun! Sure Zydeco may not be trippy hipness party music (neither exactly is Tejano or the “ja-ja-fräulein” Beer music). In fact it’s probably more like- at home with the old farts, the family already plastered sittin’ by the bayou- music, but at least it’s usually sans les chanteurs and let’s be honest; it brings images of blackened shrimpies to mind. Git soma dat an some rice! Now isn’t that a good thing? Go ahead, admit it!  But remember kids, French or Cajun are no better than the other accordion styles in terms of viability when publicly broadcasted from your car if hipness is your statement. Of course, if common courtesy is your statement, then no style of music would be viable when broadcast in such a manner. Just a word to the wise

  
  

   

  
  

  -Blogbat

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  Notes from the Garden Journal

  
  

   

  
  

   

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